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Thursday 8 September 2016

MURPHY'S LAW IN MEDICAL PRACTICE!-HUMOUR


MURPHY'S LAW IN MEDICAL PRACTICE! 1) Murphy’s Law: If any thing can go wrong it will... 2) Gattuso’s extension of Murphy’s Law: Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse. 3) Barach’s Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his doctor. 4) Cochrane’s Aphorism: Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is a) Positive or b) Negative. If both answers are the same don’t do the test. 5) Roentgen's law: The length of a radiologist’s report is inversely proportional to the certainty of his diagnosis. 6) Pathologists workup: In a battery of laboratory tests there is always one that must be thrown out of the window!​ Decide which one. 7) Koch’s Dilemma: A patient who most certainly has tuberculosis has a negative IgG/ IgM result. 8) Mantoux guile: A positive Mantoux test is a good excuse for starting AKT when unsure. 9) Lele’s Law: The congeniality of a physician is inversely proportional to his ability. 10) Saddam’s law: The arrogance of a patient’s relative is inversely proportional to his ability and willingness to pay your fees. 11) Extravagant aphorism: If a paient’s relative says “Don’t worry about the expenses, give the best treatment”, be sure he is not paying for the treatment. 12) Bargain Hunter’s Rule: A patient who does not bargain before treatment begins has no intention of paying your bill in full. Corollary: A patient who bargains to bring down the price will ask for further concession when presented the final bill. 13) The patient who begs for concession will demand the most expensive room once admitted. 14)VIP law: VIP patients are never normal humans. Corollary: If a VIP appears normal, he will become abnormal because of your treatment. 15) Münchhausen's law: The easiest way to cure a psychosomatic patient is to refer her to another (usually more expensive) Consultant. 16) Placebo rules: a) Placebos work only if they are expensive.​ Placebos sometimes work better than real drugs.​ A sympathetic physician is often the best placebo. 17) Machiavelli’s law: A patient /relative who says in his first visit that he has full faith in you has already consulted at least three other doctors for his/her problem. 18) Indoor anachronism: Patients who need to be admitted the most always refuse to get admitted. Those who can be sent home want to stay on. 19) Lord Cohen’s comment: The feasibility of an operation is not the best indication for its performance. 20) Telesco’s law: A physician’s availability is inversely proportional to his ability. 21) Surgeons with poor surgical skill excel at conservative treatment. 22) Bhojraj’s aphorism: Conservative treatment of a prolapsed disc is more difficult than a discoidectomy. 23) Ingalhallikar’s observation: A surgeon’s interest in an osteoarthritic patient is directly proportional to her willingness to undergo a TKR. 24) Laud’s advi​ce:​ If you have to choose between buying a car and buying equipment, buy the equipment and walk to work.​ You will be happier because the quality of your work will improve and healthier because of the exercise. 25) Morton’s Law:​ Many surgical patients are “high risk”. Some surgeons and some anaesthetists are also “high risk”! 26) Sugiyaki’s Law: All operations have excellent results in the hands of the originator. 27) The worst enemy of “good results” is a “good follow-up”. 28) A surgeon who has no complications is either not operating at all or is being economical with the truth. 29) Humerus fractures heal if the two ends of the fractured bone are in the same room - unless you have operated. ​3​0) Tatake’s law: Some fractures unite despite the surgery. 31) Adams' Law: Fractures used to heal even when there were no orthopaedic surgeons. 32) Roentgen's curse: Roentgen is the orthopaedic surgeons’ best friend, because he invented the X-rays. He is also their worst enemy, because the surgeons started treating X-rays instead of treating patients. 33) Implantology: All implants are designed to make your old instrument sets obsolete. 34) Technological advances: Technology advances in leaps, often in the wrong direction. 35) Fagin’s rule: Hindsight is a perfect science. These rules go on and on and I am sure you must have finished your quota of spirits by now. I hope you can all keep on adding to these gems of distilled knowledge with something more distilled.. I would like to finish with a short four liner from Bert Whitney: “If I traveled to the end of the rainbow, As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, "The pot’s at the other end.”

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