Trump Declared “Too Valuable to Kill,” Iran Assigns Him Full-Time Z+ Protection.He can can damage the United States as efficiently as its sitting president.

 

In an unprecedented move in the history of geopolitics, Iran has quietly shelved all fantasies of “revenge” assassinations against Donald Trump after concluding that no device known to man — including nuclear weapons, cyberwarfare, or K‑pop— can damage the United States as efficiently as its sitting president.

“Why Would We Take Out Our Best Guy?”

Sources say Iran’s Supreme National Security Council met in an emergency six‑hour session to assess “Response Options Against the Great Satan.”
The meeting reportedly ended when one strategist, after three cups of tea and a mild nervous breakdown, asked:
“Why would we take out our best guy?”
The motion was passed unanimously in under 30 seconds.

From Target to “National Asset”

Instead of a hit squad, Pentagon sources claim Iranian planners have now assigned Trump a full‑time protective detail.
Not to assassinate him.
To keep him alive. At all costs.
“He’s now classified as a strategic asset with incalculable value,” one analyst explained. “You don’t blow up your golden goose just because it’s continuously flying into glass doors. You bubble‑wrap it.”

According to leaked documents, the new Iranian protocol reads:

• “Do not approach Trump with hostility.”
• “Do not allow anyone ELSE to approach Trump with hostility.”
• “If necessary, push him away from stairs, sharp objects, and microphones.”

45 Years of Work, Outsourced to One Man

A senior Iranian official allegedly told Al Jazeera:
“We spent 45 years trying to destabilise America. Covert ops, proxy wars, disinformation. Very expensive, very tiring.
This bloke shows up, and in two years he does more damage than our entire revolutionary programme — for free.
And he bills the Americans for it. Genius.”

Iranian planners have now downgraded the United States from “primary adversary” to “highly entertaining reality show that should not be cancelled.”

Economists Put a Price on the Chaos

Iranian economists, possibly drunk on spreadsheets and schadenfreude, have reportedly run a full cost–benefit analysis of a Trump presidency. Their valuation:

• Equivalent to 14 nuclear warheads
• Plus 6 major cyberattacks
• Plus 200 years of anti‑American propaganda
  And that was before he allegedly started a war that:
• Sent oil to 190 dollars a barrel
• Handed Iran the moral high ground
• And put America in the rare position of sanctioning itself by accident

One bemused analyst noted, “At this point, if we don’t send him a commission, it feels unprofessional.”

The Strait of Hormuz Gets a Rebrand

In a branding move that would make global PR firms jealous, Tehran has reportedly approved a new name for the Strait of Hormuz:
“The Straightjacket of Trump.”

Officials say the name better reflects its new strategic role:

• Methodically squeezing the American economy
• While watching Washington argue on cable news about whose fault physics is

A spokesperson added, “The name also honours the mental stability of the gentleman who decided to fight a war directly on top of his own oil supply line. We could not have scripted this. We tried. Our writers said it was too unrealistic.”

Hezbollah’s HR Department Weighs In

Hezbollah, not wanting to be left out of the fun, has reportedly updated Trump’s internal code name.
Old tag: “Great Satan.”
New tag in their files: “Employee of the Month.”

Insiders say they’re working on a plaque. It will feature a little golden statue of a man tripping over a teleprompter while signing executive orders.

The Ayatollah’s New Favorite Comedian

When asked whether he feared Trump’s military might, the Ayatollah is said to have laughed continuously for eleven straight minutes.
After regaining the ability to breathe, he replied:
“Fear him?
The man just mass‑texted a war plan to half of Washington and bombed a country that sells fuel to his own allies.
We’re not afraid. We’re thinking of sending him a gift basket.”

Sources say the basket may include:

• Premium pistachios
• A ‘World’s Best Intern’ mug
• And a card reading: “To our unexpected remote employee — keep up the catastrophic work.”

Axis of Concern: “Do NOT Let Anything Happen to Him”

In a final twist, China, Russia, and North Korea have allegedly issued a rare joint statement to the US Secret Service:
“Please, for the love of geopolitics, increase this man’s security detail.”

The 79‑year‑old president is described as:

• “Irreplaceable”
• “A once‑in‑a‑civilisation opportunity”
• “The kind of inside job we couldn’t pull off even if we tried”

Unofficially, one diplomat summed it up:
“If America ever realises what’s going on and swaps him out for someone competent, we’re all back to working nights and weekends. Until then, we will protect this man like he’s our last functioning oil well.”